Coffee Break: May Edition
May's tough but I'm tougher (lie)
This month was a mirror month. It forced me to really look inward and understand myself better; both strengths and weaknesses. I thought I knew who I was, and what I was like as a person. I’m so so wrong.
I struggled a lot more this month than the previous. I thought that maybe after a month of school, I’d finally settle into it, have a stable friend group, and progress at a good pace. WRONG WRONG WRONG. School is one never-ending fever dream and I can’t seem to wake up. Life sucked so bad I finally started physically journaling and I can’t stop. I’ve been pouring out everything and it’s a burning sort of pleasure. I’ll quote some excerpts from my journal:
Today was pretty shitty I can’t even lie. It made me miss secondary school so much more. I genuinely thought that Poly was getting better. I thought it was just severe withdrawals and it was just the first week of school. But it’s the fifth week already.
I have this feeling, driven by intuition, that T may not enjoy my company as much as I thought and hoped she did. She’s been cold this whole lesson, shutting down every comment I tried to contribute to the group. She only really spoke to D, and A is closed off. I feel excluded and like I’m liked but not accepted.
I often feel very lonely. Ever since secondary school ended, I’ve not felt truly happy. Like the long-lasting kind of happiness. I’ll feel it for a moment before it fades even faster than it came. I have a big class friend group but feel like I have no genuine connections with any of them. Everyone has their “selected” person they just click with but I have none. It’s so suffocating feeling this lonely when everyone around me has friends. I’m just really really tired. I was looking forward to poly, now I look forward to University. Will there be a time when I’m actually happy with where I currently am?
I’ve said this before, but seeing any of my friends automatically makes my day. They’re the true soul coffee. They’re my shot of espresso and the glue to my entire being. I’ve grown so much because of them. They’ve contributed a great and undeniable amount to who I am now.
I’m not sure why I only write when I feel sad. Maybe it’s not sadness but this constant lurking feeling of emptiness that I try to make sense of through writing. I think I’m getting along with this other girl. It’s nice to feel genuinely liked when all I feel is isolation. I struggle a lot with trying to feel like I fit in and truly belong. I know I’m not usually like this. It feels like primary school soph’s personality and behaviour are back. The introverted part of me is coming out to comfort me. I like to be alone now, something secondary school soph would hate and fear. Some might consider this to be part of growing up, but if it is, I don’t want to. Or maybe my prevalent fear of loneliness is too strong that my mind seeks comfort from being lonely to keep the fear away. I can’t fear it if I’m used to it.
I feel invisible. Like a ghost that walks past and all you acknowledge was the soft breeze of wind. When people I know see me, they don’t really see me. Their eyes do but I doubt they would remember it. It’s weird because I’ll remember little details about someone I don’t even know personally. But people I would consider my friend, wouldn’t even realise I walked past them. My insignificance so insignificant that I can’t even be considered insignificant if I was never even considered.
I like the quote, “Two truths can coexist at the same time”. While It’s normally used to justify two separate perspectives being able to be true at the same time, I like to use it to justify two separate feelings even if they contradict each other. Because yes I felt that, but now I feel this, and both are still true to me.
On the brighter end of things, I love learning about things I have a genuine interest in. I love to expand my knowledge of my passions. Also, I began penpaling which is really fun.
my current…
reads:
The Great Gatsby
- Just started this I’m scared
watches:
The Last of Us
- im watching this with my dad
- bella ramsey is an amazing actress so while i understand she doesnt look like the video game, she does do a really good job
- i’m progressing really slow on thisMamma Mia!
- I LOVE THIS MUSICAL SO SO MUCH OH MY GOSH.Thunderbolts
- my marvel girlies… the bob abs scene and bucky bike scene? i was shaking
listens:
New Year’s Day - Taylor Swift
Hoax - Taylor Swift
Cupid’s Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes
Super Trouper - Mamma Mia Soundtrack (yes ik its originally by ABBA)
Supercut - Lorde
I need to…
buy:
a few more pairs of pants
- ive been reusing the same 2 jeans and 1 sweatpants. send help and pants.more scrapbooking materials
- i want more stickers!
learn:
to speak Italian
- i’m kinda putting this on hold right now because i’m easing into school life again.to stand up for myself more and prioritise me.
do:
more writing
- i’ve been journalling my thoughts downmore reading
- consume healthy media and understand the world
I want to…
buy:
another notebook
- to pen down other things
a digital camera
- to take pictures of my surroundings for this blog as well as my junk journal. plus it’d be nice to bring around when school starts.a chloe paddington bag
- I’ve been obsessing over it for ages now and seeing its revival during fashion week killed a miniature part of me that was praying for the day I’d randomly come across a vintage one. looks like I’ll be waiting for a couple more years…more boots
- this doesn’t need an explanation. yall get it :)
learn:
to scrapbook
- its my new fav creative activityedit photos
- doing this in school right now!
do:
more research and educate myself on certain topics I enjoy specifically fashion
- I’m starting a collection of vogue magazines! (THIS STILL APPLIES. ALWAYS EDUCATE YOURSELF MORE)take a free course on politics
- heard harvard has some? might check it out ;)
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